Why Can't I Do This? The Power of Surrendering

I was an ambitious empath.    I took on more and more, and lost myself in the process.    I realized that I only valued myself if I was accomplishing tasks, which is an old wound of feeling conditionally loved.    I had very black and white thinking and had no boundaries.   My lack of boundaries left me feeling resentment and taken advantage of.    I tricked myself into believing that I did not care, but it reality, I had lost myself.   I found myself not living my values and began isolating.   Isolation fueled my shame.  

I started making excuses for my behavior.   Oh, I cannot eat, but I have to finish my homework, I’ll eat after I am done.    I’ll just run one more mile and that will reduce my stress.

I remember one day in particular.    There were huge fires in the valley, and the winds had brought the smoke to my neighborhood.   There was a red flag alert, that stated that we were to remain indoors.   Where was I?   Outside running.    I came home and felt like I had just smoked a carton of cigarettes.    I started coughing and could not stop.   That night I asked my father to take away my tennis shoes, because I knew if I had access to them I would run.   I did not see those shoes again for three years.  

I felt such shame because my eating disorder robbed me of so many of my friends milestones.   I was not a part of my BFF weddings, friends engagement parties, etc.  I always considered myself a thoughtful friend, but I was not there!    Even if I was there physically, mentally – I was millions of miles away.    That led to shame, isolation and the snowball got bigger and bigger.   I was out of control by controlling so much!   WTF!  

I would set goals for myself (such as – today I am not going to look at the nutrition label, eat all meals, follow my meal plan).   I tried – I really did – but was unsuccessful every time.   That led to more shame and isolation.

I felt alone and isolated and when I shared with others that I had trouble gaining weight, they would say “I wish I had your problem” .  Be careful what you wish for.

Then one day, I weighed myself and I hit the low weight that I was scared of.    I started hyperventilating and drank a glass of water, hoping it would increase my weight.    I was lost and alone.    I sought treatment that day.

There was a waiting list at the clinic, so I waited.      I got into the center three days later, but it felt like f

orever because of the mental gymnastics I was doing in my head.   I was trying to talk myself out of seeking treatment.   Kathy, your blood labs are pretty good.    Your not that bad.   It is just calories in, calories out – you can do it on your own.   You have to take care of your dad, stop being so self-centered.

I entered treatment and decided to surrender to the process.   I never looked back.    I remember others in the program were resistant and I was so grateful that I had surrendered.   It became my superpower and I am stronger for it.   Who knew – surrendering = strength.