Summer Is Here. Celebrate or Hide?

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Summer Season

I remember when I was a child, counting down the days until summer break.    As an adult, summer was not equated with fun, relaxation and bliss – but rather dread and stress.   When did this change?    As I entered puberty my body began changing faster than my brain did.   As my body changed, I noticed that with becoming a woman, came a tremendous sense of power and responsibility.   I received so many mixed messages.   Be a good girl, but look desirable.    Honor other women, but know that you are competing with them.    It was during this time that I learned that I was not able to honor my body.     I was in eighth grade and my class was going to an amusement park.   We would be there for about 12 hours, so I knew food would be involved.   My friend and I came up with a scheme.   We would fill our purses with jolly ranchers, and eat them on the dark rides.   I look back at that, and think to myself, how could someone so smart do something so stupid.   

As I became an adult, I was ambitious and quickly climbing the corporate ladder.     As I learned to work long hours, call into work while on vacation, prioritize work over family, I learned to deny my body its needs.    Sleep, rest,  and of course food.    The bizarre thing is, I was praised for this.    The worst “gift” you can give to someone who appreciated themselves only for their accomplishments is to praise them for it.    It was there I learned that it was all about appearances.   It did not matter what was going  on on the inside, as long as you kept up appearances.

As my body shrunk, the praise from others, turned into concern.    I was ashamed of my body,  the summer was filled with long sleeves, and baggy clothes, to hide my emaciated body.     I know that many struggle with bathing suit season, yet I felt alone.    I was ashamed of my eating disorder, so would say that it is hard for me to gain weight.   It was met with the response, I wish that I had what you had.   My response, “be careful what you wish for”.

My mom suffered from ALS that attacked her esophagus.   She was no longer able to eat, swallow or speak.    She was always ashamed of her larger body.  Ironically, the extra weight saved her life.   Most people with ALS suffer paralysis of their limbs.    My mom learned for the first time,  to appreciate her body.   It was such a healing experience for her, and (*I know this sounds weird), ALS was a gift to her and our entire family.    We appreciated each other for the first time, and the number on the scale was, exactly that, just a number.

I would love to pay it forward.     For just week, I invite you to pay gratitude for your body.    Take time to enjoy your five senses.     Stop, and smell the roses.    Take it one day, one breath at a time.