I was my own worst enemy

My biggest enemy was myself!

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Why can’t I do this?, I can do anything.    I don’t give up, perhaps that is my problem.    I don’t give up, and have immense willpower.   I am living in a world that does not understand me.   I relate to no one, and in a room full of people, I am lonely as hell.    

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I cannot escape the loneliness and unrelatability.   I go to the grocery store, picking up the few foods I WILL eat, and am bombarded by KETO, sugar fee, gluten free.   I escape to the cashier and see an inordinant amount of magazines giving me diet tips. 

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I go to work, and was once praised for my will power and how great I look.   Now they are telling me that they are worried about me.   How did this happen?  

 

I tell myself, that I can recover on my own.  I do the math.   If I eat X more calories a day – I will gain a pound a week.    I am motivated each morning, but when exposed to the world, I crumble by lunchtime.    I tell myself that my bloodwork is good, and I don’t need treatment.   Damn, I am my own worst enemy.

 

I talk to my treatment team, telling them, this time will be different.   I will do it.    My nurse tells me, she wishes I had this problem.    The spiral begins, and by the time I get home it has snowballed.   The pit in my stomach is so large I cannot eat anything.    My loved ones are worried about me, so I have to isolate and save them the pain and me the embarrassment.  

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Tomorrow is Groundhogs Day.   Rinse and repeat.  

 

There is an old saying that you only change when it is more uncomfortable to stay the same, than it is to change. That is where I was - my rock bottom. I had no choice but to change. It was the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done.

 

The girl in the red dress and forced smile is no longer suffering.

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